At a recent editorial meeting, my publisher and I were chatting about our teenage sons and how often we have to be on top of them to make sure they are doing what they need to do to grow and thrive into successful human beings. She mentioned the term, facilitating forward motion, and I immediately realized I could write an article about this! So here you go…
Beginning when my son was in middle school, I noticed that he’d come home with a backpack full of crumpled homework papers, the lunch he may have half-eaten, and nothing written in his planner. I remember having to smooth out those papers and continually asking him not to scrunch everything up. He would turn in crumpled homework and would forget basic things like putting his name and date on the papers so he’d get credit for his work.
And this was not a one-off occurrence. I had to continually remind him to stay on top of things and turn in work on time. He’d bring home balled-up notices from the school to parents that he’d forget to show me, so I had to rifle through his backpack each afternoon to sort out what was going on in there.
Then in high school, because he didn’t write down his homework assignments, I decided I’d help him get organized. I bought a handsome planner and asked him to write down every assignment and when it’s due. He said he would, but did he? No. He simply said, “I just remember what’s assigned.” Clearly, he did not, because I found he had missing assignments. Talk about parental frustration!
By the time he was a high school sophomore, I finally figured out a few ways to help him manage his time and his life.
Some Tips and Hints
Understand your teen must own his/her life. This is an important concept to drill into teens’ heads. Growing up isn’t easy, but to get there, kids must understand that they are responsible for their actions and will also have to suffer consequences of poor choices.
Be proactive. I believe that if parents speak with their kids after school’s out about their day, we’ll learn exactly what’s going on in their heads. Or at least partially what’s going on. I would ask my son about what he learned and what assignments he had, so I could follow up with him if need be. By taking a genuine interest in his life helped both of us prioritize and connect.
Follow up. Again, it’s important not to do their homework, but to follow up and make sure they’re doing it. At one point, I had to make my son do his homework at the dining room table so I could keep an eye on him and make sure he was getting his work done. This was no fun for either of us, but it kept us on track. It’s a pain to be constantly following up, and it feels like nagging, which is a total drag for kids, but essential.
Think ahead. Unlike proactivity, thinking ahead is a strategic exercise that can help your teen. I was able to go online to my son’s high school portal and see what kinds of assignments were coming up in the next month and then we would chat about it in an upbeat manner. If you can get a sense of what lies ahead, it’ll be easier to prepare mentally.
Meet all deadlines. This is easier said than done. Instilling the importance of meeting deadlines is probably something that has to be done earlier in life, at the elementary school level. I often compare school to their later work-life where not meeting deadlines can cost them their job. In school, it means a bad grade. In life, it could make for unnecessary financial and emotional stress.
Be accountable. As parents, we know how essential it is to be accountable for our actions. Cultivating accountability in teens can be challenging. If you’ve been teaching your children that poor choices result in negative consequences, this will be easier to do. Over time, consequences become more dire and teens must know they will have to deal with them.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Parents don’t necessarily need to know everything about their teens or pry into their lives, but it is okay and certainly vital to ask questions to promote positive communication. The benefit is that you and your teen can talk about how things are going academically and socially and work together to come up with tenable solutions.
Apologize when you’re wrong. Parents aren’t perfect and sometimes it’s easy to feel exasperated and impatient. It’s easy to come across as an annoyed, nagging, angry parent. Teens can sense that immediately. By apologizing for your frustrations and bad mood, teens will understand that it’s okay to make mistakes because that’s how we learn and grow.
With responsibly comes privilege and the older your teens get the more they will appreciate it. Just think when they start driving a car and feel the freedom that provides them. Stay strong and you will be able to facilitate forward motion! These tips and hints are based on my own experience as a parent and are not professional psychological recommendations.
